I am a weak individual when it comes to love. I constantly back and forth over the past and how it will effect my future. I seem stalled in the now between missing and wanting, and hope and disbelief. I’m sure everybody else has similar fears or worries but the thing that makes a life hard is your own decisions, and then simply living with them. Is there a person on the planet who does not have a “what if?” in their heart and mind? (Heck I am certain there is not one person who does not have more than one!) Will I ever feel that way again? Can I ever be that innocent? Can I ever move on past that one moment? A thousand iterations for the same kind of feeling, the same rhetorical questing. What if?
Words are my god, my belief is the value that is inherent in expression through the manipulation and arrangement of definition to carry forth memes. I believe at the heart of everything is a word to explain, articulate, recall, instigate, inspire, demotivate and create the possibility of anything you can imagine. Feelings are metaphor, science is logic, faith is hope (unrealistic or otherwise) and even the most complex thoughts are broken into the individual anagrams of letters to words to sentences to conclusion. We can think in images, but even if a picture says a thousand words, without eyes I can only imagine so if you describe it to me and I can only see what it is if I have a structure to define it against. So what happens to the words you meant to be as lasting as any ever said?
Does love truly carry that ‘all is fair rule’ simply because of its seemingly difficult ‘concept to execution’ ratio? I am a cynic by thought but a romantic by nature. I would rather stay alone and certain of my feelings than to involve another in a position of doubt. I have seen the dissolution of mine and others relationships, and felt the sting of recent reality towards the transient nature of commitment. I have been alone many a year with a belief in not some higher god, but a higher principle. I have loved someone for too long and unevenly. I have loved someone lost too soon and accumulated a score of “what if’s?” Life gives you no recourse to repeal a completed point, our days string ahead and behind to our minds, yet I have a sneaking feeling it is nonlinear, because as time heals all wounds, it wounds all heals. A song, a smile, a scent (anything that may carry the redolence of recollection) a line said or written, anything that leaps the borders of context to send us back to a past moment, which of course as anyone knows (even if you don’t understand Physics…like me) is subject to Brownian motion, rebounding off one into another into another and so on and the closer the event the more it ricochets off, until you find yourself in a whirling maelstrom of memories; regrets and satisfactions hitting against happiness and sadness, all contained within the singularity of us.
This blog is random, it is like a conversation within myself, it rambles towards a conclusion almost separate to the original premise. So I will leave this on an aphorism I told a friend in response to a question he asked about why I read poetry. I told him it was because it shows that the greatest minds are still beholden to the words it takes to express their ideas. So he asked-
“Why are there so many love poems and songs just to say the same thing?”
I really had no need of thought I simply told him what I felt.
“Because there are no tautologies to love. If you express the truth of it, it always adds to it!”